Healthy relationships are not based on pain, suffering, or drama. That’s my take on the Carly Simon song (listen here ). They are based on love, closeness. openess, intimacy, support, and acceptance to name a few characteristics. All of us at one time or another have suffered through relationships chasing some fantasized idea or image only to find ourselves in a world of suffering.  Often we are unconscious in what pulls us to these relationships. As we grow in life and have a fuller awareness we can make the choice to leave suffering behind (as Carly sings) and to choose love that brings joy instead.

Mary chose men who would control and abuse her. Her marriage was with a high-powered Wall street guy (let’s call him Guy) who abused cocaine, went to strip clubs, and came home at ungodly hours claiming he was out with clients. Mary tried to do everything to win his love. Instead, she was given abuse, contempt, and left alone to parent her only child. When she began to see that her Guy was a repeat of a childhood drama and that gravitating to this kind of suffering (something she’d done a few times before with other men) was her attempt to feel loved (if she could only get him to see her and listen to her she’d heal the wounds of her childhood) she made one more attempt to have her husband come with her to therapy. To her surpise he agreed. But in therapy, he escalated his control and negativity. With the help of the therapist she was able to see that Guy could not be her guy. She was maturing and needed real love in her life, not the repeat drama of her childhood. She found a lawyer and after what turned out to be a horrible battle finally got herself free. She no longer had time for the pain. Two years later she called me to tell me she was getting married to a great man (not guy) who was the opposite of Guy.

Do you have a story about living in drama and pain and getting yourself free? Have you experienced the joy of a peaceful and loving relationship? Can you share awareness about destructive relationships and what you’ve done to choose something better?  Tell us your stories and ask your questions. If you are stuck in a relatioship filled with drama and pain ask Dr. Ike what to do. And, of course, send us your music.

Here’s our musical set:

 

Sting, “If you Love Somebody Set Them Free.”

“Good Things Happen to Bad People,” by Richard Thompson

“Real Fine Love,” by John Hiatt

11 thoughts on “Haven’t Got Time For The Pain

  1. Dear Dr. Ike:

    My girlfriend and I had both dated almost exclusively married men for the past twenty years. We were not exactly legal in every state either when we began. Just like the girl known as Lorde sings in her hit Royals…..”I cut my teeth on wedding rings..” Older men would tell us their wives were mean to them while we made them feel loved and cared for. On our side, we loved going out with them because they would buy us fab gifts, take us to the best clubs and jet us off to whatever island their business meetings were being held on. No domestic work or runny kid noses to wipe for us and best yet, we knew the “truth” while their gullible little wives were home believing their husband’s lies. Well, these last two executive types were our last two executive types, emphasis on the word “LAST” here please. We found out that they were not tellng us the truth either and were seeing other girls at the same time! We are tired now and want real love not lust. Funny how we both realized this at the same time. We will make our own little support group “The Former Other Woman Club,” LOL

    You could play for me Dolly Parton now and yes, Jolene is my real name. thanks!

    1. Real love is like fine wine. It takes time to mature and real lovers also need time to mature. When you’re young and with hormones firing and with awareness about the world that isn’t quite developed lust based on physical attraction is what brings two people together. If they cannot grow through the inevitable changes that occur their relationship is often doomed. Here’s Micky and Sylvia “Love is Strange

  2. Hey Dr! Good grief. No wonder I am miserable. My two ex-wives were both beauties, incredibly sensous with caviar tastes just like….Mom. I suffered for 10 years with the first one’s multiple infidelities before we divorced and the second one 6 years. I was nothing more than an income producing unit to these gorgeous creatures. I am solo now for two years and not too unhappy about it. I date, but I don’t think I will ever be serious with anyone ever again. Do you know Frankie Lane? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dj5YGvTGx1U

  3. Dr. Ike, don’t know where I first read about your online program, but I’m glad I decided to ck it out because I think your topic today has relevance for me. People used to tell me that my wife was cheating on me, but I would never believe them. It was too painful to think this was happening to ME. I thought I could recognize the type of woman who would do this thing, afterall, my own mother used to cheat on my father.

    Dad left us when I was in middle school. I hated him for leaving and woud not speak to him for a long time. When I got to college I started to feel badly about not having my father in my life anymore and so I contaced him on Facebook. He asked if he could come and visit me because he wanted to explain himself. We got together and it was then he told me the reason he left was that my mother was always running around on him and he could not take it any more. I felt bad that I did not know this before, but then again who could tell me? She would not for sure and he did not want to ruin my relationship with Mom.

    My wife is very much like my mother now that I think on it. Beautiful, witty, sharp dresser who is always rushing out to meetings with friends, coming home late from business dinners with “gin breath” and falls asleep the minute her head hits the pillow. I think I have to tail her next time she dashes out or put a keylogger in her laptop and tablet.

    Sometimes there is smoke where there is fire. My friends could be right and I just refused to see it before. She leaves me alone a lot and seldom has energy for me in the sack.

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